sad

He told me tonight that "I don't think you appreciate me" and "I am more gentle with you than most husbands are with their wives." Now, I don't understand why he feels like this. I asked if I said something at the meeting, if I did something to make him feel like this and he said no. I'm even more confused. And, yes, I am sad. I'm not really sure how to respond to him when he says these things, especially since he said I didn't do or say anything to make him think/say those things. What do I do now? Do I need to say "thank you" after every interaction? I told him I think he doesn't like me anymore. I think there may be some truth to that even though he denied it. If after every interaction with other people he has something critical to say about me, then there must be some sense of dissatisfaction with me, right? Where to go from here, I'm not sure. I love him, and I tell him often. He doesn't say those words as much, but he never has. I want him to be happy walking down the street with me, but I feel like he's more concerned with what others think of him than of me, as I scurry behind him like a dog. Now I feel dissatisfied, empty, stupid, and yes, sad. Who wouldn't be sad?

Overwhelmed

I've never desired to blog before until tonight. My husband just left for work and prior to leaving we had a bit of a "fight." We've said we've never had a fight before, but I watched him leave and found myself overwhelmed with anger and frustration. All I want is to feel like he's listening. We've had an honesty policy since we were dating. I was just following policy. Yet, I watched him leave and felt like I had made things 10x worse in the course of seconds. Oh, Lord, give me grace!!! I so badly want to honor him and serve him in a way that is God-glorifying. So why do I constantly feel as though I'm tripping backwards and never advancing in this journey? I try to be honest and I end up being a great discouragement. I try to seek the counsel of other wiser women, and I find myself being more encouraged by them than I am of my own husband. I tell him this, and I am told that I imagine too much. My feelings are real though!!! I hate being upset with him. I hate thinking of how unworthy I am to be the wife of a pastor. To be the one other women come to for counsel, when I cannot even manage to encourage my own husband. Why would God put me in this position if I were not able to handle it, if I do not have my husbands' trust and faith? I am overwhelmed with my weaknesses and cannot lift my head up to accomplish the simple tasks of each day. I hate being away from friends and family. I hate not being able to express myself when and how I need/want to. I hate having so much anger in my heart. I feel so needy and when I try to explain this to my husband I walk away from the conversation feeling like I was just lectured and having more demands upon my conscience. Lord, be my encourager tonight. Allow me to make dinner with joy. Bring back my joy, please! My heart feels so lost and empty. I know Your truth. I know to think on what is right. But how do I get past the isolation? How do I move forward with a smile, when inwardly I feel as though I could cry for weeks? How can I better serve You when I don't know what to do? Encourage me Jesus!